Diary of a depressed 46 Year Old Incel (07 Jan BILLY UPDATE)
Posted over a year ago | London, London
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TUE, 07 JAN 2020
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I don't mean to be rude to you Billy, but I think you're the one with the "serious personality disorder" not me. You seem to think sleeping with 400+ prostitutes is normal. I personally couldn't give a toss, but I'm afraid society at large would consider you a total creep and weirdo. Even worse that you lost your virginity to a prostitute! You're hardly in a position to lecture or advise anyone. I'm glad you won't be sending any more emails. Thank you.
Jason - I'm sorry to hear you're in the same situation. I wish I could have something good to say. You're absolutely right - there is something inherently unfair in the lack of women willing to spend just a few seconds with a guy to take his V-plate. These same women who don't remember half of their sexual partners on drunken nights out...
The saddest thing is the Internet should've opened up Sex for everyone. But many factors have mysteriously aligned to make it incredibly hard for single men to find women easily. Even sex apps (yes... EVEN SEX APPS...) have so many bloody restrictions in place that it becomes a miracle if you get any replies. But its far easier for women, even with the barriers, because they just need to write a few words then the replies come flooding in. I honestly don't think most women appreciate how difficult it is.
Anyway, it is what is it...
Since Last Update:
Views: 8380 (+94)
Replies: 41 (0)
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TUE, 07 JAN 2020
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Billy, I read your email. You write a lot. But I probably have more experience of interacting with 'real girls' than you do. Let's dissect your 'advice':
(1) APPEARANCE: Be smart casual. Get a few really expensive items of clothing, girls notice details. Good hygiene and grooming are essential, girls can be very sensitive to little things and are highly observant (you sound overly paranoid...)
(2) ATTITUDE: Behave like a winner. Girls like men who are very self-confident... Instead of chat up lines to get a girl's attention try being rude to her in some way (has telling a girl to fuck off worked for you then?)
(3) CHOOSING A SUITABLE GIRL: You will get the best results with girls who are young and dumb...
(4) BE GENEROUS: Girls like things and money and they like men who give them these. Flash your cash around and spend it on her. Take her shopping. Money is the biggest aphrodisiac.
All this advice tells me more about you than it does about me. You write like a PAYING MALE OR JOHN if I'm totally honest, and your next admission confirms this: "I have enormous experience with prostitutes, having had sex with maybe 400, certainly well over 200..." In other words, you're detached from reality and don't actually romantically interact with any woman at all! Before you offer anyone else advice I seriously think you need to be working on yourself first, as fucking 400 prostitutes ain't normal! Maybe see a counsellor... seriously!
Jason - thanks for restraining yourself from offering trite advice, and yep I'm still here. It means a lot that you messaged me after one year asking where I went (and your email was also before my update a few days ago). If people find this diary interesting, then I'm motivated to continue posting. Otherwise I feel bad taking up space on the front page. This is partly the reason why I let it drift off the front page...
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THU, 02 JAN 2020
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Fed up of life. Everywhere is a dead end. CL. Tinder. Sex Apps. Everywhere. So much censorship. Not allowed to even write words on a screen. Why do people hate words on a screen? I don't get it.
Tinder - profiles deleted cos they're too sexual
CL - ads deleted cos they're too sexual
3way - ads deleted cos they're too sexual
it never stops. But it doesn't make any sense. What's the point of sex apps if you're not even allowed to write anything remotely sexual on them?
I have been BANNED countless times by Tinder. Why? Because I used a pic which has words written on it (this usually attracts many more replies).
Yet women can have no pic at all and get 500 replies in a single day.
This is why the FUCK I'M SICK OF LIFE !!!
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TUE, 19 FEB 2019
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Don't believe that I still get idiots suggesting I pay a hooker for sex. Did they fucking miss the part when I explained how hookers SHUT THE PHONE DOWN ON ME when I try to explain what I'm looking for?!
The world hookers inhabit is all about making as much money as possible putting in the least amount of effort. They don't want to hear more than "so what time are you booking for?" They are fucking ROBOTS. The world they inhabit is uninspired - pay / fuck / leave - rinse - repeat.
You call up to book a FUCKIN APPOINTMENT not to explain what you want... Ever tried to say more than a sentence to them over the phone? They don't deal in fantasies they deal in pounds. They are TYPICAL WOMEN - just because you're paying you expect them to develop a different way of thinking? Doesn't work like that does it!
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TUE, 08 JAN 2019
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Thanks for your replies guys - "Daniel" - sorry but that was really really long, you wrote a story book... I've only ever seen women write as much as that, never a guy! Yep, really sounds like its a woman offering advice - using the same old cliches... 'Meet girls who have the same hobbies' and 'Don't bother with nightclubs.' Straight out of a textbook. You're a woman aren't you?
Billy - I won't pay a woman, no matter what. I don't care. These same women who sleep with 50 guys they don't even remember half of them. Why is it so difficult to help someone out for nothing in return? Do you reckon any women need to stay virgins for 45 years? No, even the fat ugly ones have 100 guys offering to help...
I'm 45 now. Its gone past mental health. I will trick a woman into fucking me, and I will tell you every single detail on here from start to finish. I hope it turns me on as much as it turns you guys on. Much love, Andy!
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TUE, 18 DEC 2018
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Still a virgin. My attempt at getting replies to my CrazyOz personals ad didn't work. No one is interested in virgin males. Maybe I'll just have to trick a woman into sleeping with me. I really don't care about women's feelings anymore. I will use someone and dump them, and I'll report back on here. No doubt I'll get dozens of angry responses from women crawling out of the woodwork. Women that up till now were nowhere to be seen - after all, 33 replies in nearly 5 years. I mean, come on.
Moving on, this is what happened the other day:
Me: Hi, is this Lucy the escort in Watford...?
Escort: Yes
Me: I have a fantasy of kissing in the park before going back to yours. Could this be done? I can pay extra if you want
Answer: [Blocked from Whatsapp]
That little snippet is for all of you clueless women who predictably retort with 'Why don't you just go see a hooker...'
Women are boring.
Escorts are women.
Therefore escorts are boring.
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THU, 16 AUG 2018:
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Really hope a few females will reply to the Personals ad I have on. In fact its not even about the sex, I'd just love to come back here to describe the meeting in all its erotic glory. This diary has gotten a little stale over the past 4 years and definitely requires some sexy new characters to spice it up...
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WED, 15 AUG 2018:
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Hi guys - bit of an update. Haven't been on here for a while but in July I was contacted by someone in a similar position to me. After 3 years he'd found a female who'd replied to his ad and met him. His ad was called 'Could you act like a Mannequin or doll?' and it was placed here on Crazyoz.
He kindly 'gifted' this ad to me, suggesting I should give it a go just to see where it leads. So I'm taking the plunge and creating my first personals ad here on Crazyoz 4 years later. I've based it around his original ad and I haven't changed too much of what he wrote to be honest.
My ad can be found in Adult Personals (NSA) > Men seeking women (NSA) > "This is Andy from Diary of a Depressed 44 Year Old Virgin"
Ever since creating this Diary in January 2014 I've been contacted many times by various females offering to help. However their suggestions have either been unworkable or not very discrete at all. Due to the nature of this diary I prefer a scenario where I will remain anonymous, the 'mannequin' ad takes care of this as well as appealing to me for other reasons. So I wanna give it a try and see where it leads.
Hopefully, the fact that I've had this diary here all these years - and you can read all about me - will count for something. I know that most females are generally quite wary of guys online. But I hope through me having a bit of a backstory this will provide some reassurance and make you feel more at ease if replying to my Adult Personals ad.
Thanks xx
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TUE, 14 NOV 2017:
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I dream of mystery. A dark and mysterious stranger silently leads me through secret, hidden alleys, the tips of her fingers lightly touching mine. The world is mysterious and sensuous. The moonless night is cold, crisp, its winter. No words need to be spoken here, no words are ever spoken. There are just smiles and silences. This is what love feels like. True love, this is what it means to be alive. But I will never ever glimpse this silent world, this hidden existence, this realm beyond the daylight.
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TUE, 26 SEP 2017:
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There are absolutely no dominant women at all. Zero. Nada. They simply don't exist.
Equality, at least in the sexual sense, will never exist. While you'll always get men of all sorts of different sexual dispositions: some dominant, some submissive, some in-between, and so on, you only ever get one type of woman - submissive.
But among feminists acknowledging this would be sacrilege. After a century of liberation, they have been unable to change this deep-seated sexual reality. You cannot change nature. Its as simple as that!
Some of you guys are reading this and saying... "Yeah, but you do get domme females...?"
Nah! Those silly money-grabbing whores in their silly dungeons are NOT DOMINANT at all. They are simply ASEXUAL CAREER WHORES who've turned avoiding sex into a job!
I'm afraid real dominant females simply do not exist!
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SAT, 13 MAY 2017:
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Even in 2017, why are women so 'precious,' so hesitant, so awkward? A woman won't even sit to a man on a bus, if she can avoid it. Its ridiculous!
And this attitude of awkwardness continues online, but its even worse because the Internet (intentionally or unintentionally) makes it really difficult for males to find females (but not the other way round). I've even struggled to find females for simple NON-SEXUAL requests. This is my experience online:
Craigslist: endless flagging means it may take YEARS before a female even reads your ad! Its not a problem for females though - they can at least generate a healthy 100 or so replies before getting flagged !!!
Gumtree: a casuals section no longer exists and any ad showing a preference for females gets automatically removed! But for some reason female ads seeking males are allowed and even have their own section !!!
Adultwork: again, same thing. Females are free to advertise their services to males without a charge, but the site does not allow females to search male (client) profiles !!!
Vivastreet, ukclassifieds, backpage: all smaller sites where the few females get bombarded with replies but male requests hardly get read !!!
Yes, for some strange reason the Internet is designed to make things difficult for single males and the odds are purposely stacked against them !!!
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MON, 01 MAY 2017:
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Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...
This is how I feel right now.
What a fucking crock of shit the Internet is for online sex dating.
I have decided to do whatever it takes to get a fuck.
I don't care if I have to trick a woman into sex.
I will get a fuck one way or the other.
Fuck women. Just fuck 'em and chuck 'em!
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TUES, 25 APR 2017:
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If you are a single male, remember these rules:
* No one will feel automatically sorry for you
* People will always place the blame on you
* You sharing your thoughts will be considered as whingeing
Mandy - who replied to my ad - no I don't think I want to meet you. Have you forgotten what happened last time? (3 years ago actually...) You wanted me to guess the colour of your underwear or some silliness like that, then you wanted me to "fuck you senseless." Not interested!
Dominique - 'buxom barmaid' - I replied back to you (eventually) but you seem to have moved on.
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MON, 13 MAR 2017:
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The same fucking tedious cycle drags on. Back to 'Craigslist-Blanket-Ban' time again. Can't post any more ads! All ads keep getting auto-binned!
Its just so fucking pointless! Its just so frustrating!
I just wanna say argggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
But I barely have the motivation to type anymore.
I am sooo angry, so, so angry. Why aren't us guys ever given even half a chance? We ONLY get replies if we post different variations of the same ad SIX TIMES, again and again and again and again. But CL rules don't allow this.
Its fine for women though. All they need to type - "Look at my little slitty slitty slit giggle giggle giggle" - and the dozy bastards start falling over themselves to get in on the action!
Guys need descriptive, detailed, well-written ads, posted multiple times, spaced out on consecutive days, and then, maybe, just maybe, they might get a reply.
90% of women's ads are spam. 100% of men's ads are real. Yet, the way things are set up, its harder for men to post anything. Cut us some slack, for fucks sake!
Argggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
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FRI, 31 DEC 2016:
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This whole fucking day has been depressing. My 43rd. But I am so alone. So fucking alone! I absolutely hate women with a raging vengeance! I don't give a fuck anymore, I will trick them into fucking me, just watch. I will trick them come 2017 and tell you all about it on here. I'm fucking fed up!
All day today I've been trying to find ONE FUCKING FEMALE to meet up with me to go see the fireworks.
Life is fucking impossible for guys like me. A woman just needs to type absolute gibberish 'Yabba fucking do' and the replies start pouring in from randy guys.
I wish everything was different. I wish women weren't so FUCKING SCARED AND HESITANT all the time...
Too scared to email...
Too scared to cam...
Too scared to phone...
Too scared to meet...
Too scared for this, too scared for that...
IT IS ABSOLUTELY BLOODY HILARIOUS that women are everything they want guys NOT TO BE !!!
Shy, scared, hesitant, nervous, awkward, clueless, cowardly, and DEFINITELY NOT spontaneous!!!
All those are wonderful FEMALE qualities and you wonder guys why you never get any replies?
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FRI, 30 DEC 2016:
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For females, everything is so damn easy. Just write a line of gibberish "yabba dabba doo I love you..." and the replies will start flooding in (!)
Tomorrow night I'll be reminded of this imbalance once again: I'll try to find someone to accompany me to see in the New Year. Of course, I won't find anyone.
I, as a male, just wanting a meet: no kissing, no hugging, no groping, no sex - can't hope for any replies even if I post a whole month in advance.
But a female can write an ad the same evening and expect her inbox to get flooded within 20 minutes with guys eager to meet, and meet on her terms.
That's the difference, and that's why I hate occasions like New Years and Valentines and Christmas.
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WED, 09 NOV 2016:
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Today is one of those Winter nights where the past comes flooding back. Those lonely streets I walked, those silent places I saw, those distant women I met.
Why does time have to move so fast?
I miss 2005. I miss being 31. A decade still ahead of me. I remember discovering Adult Friend Finder and Plenty of Fish. I miss you so deeply, 31-year-old-self. And I remember turning up at Aldgate East station waiting for a woman in red holding a rose. I can't believe its been 11 years. It seems like yesterday. And this makes me feel even sadder.
I want to be able to experience every moment but time doesn't want you to. And its not fair.
I miss you 2007 and 2008. And arranging a meet off Gumtree Casuals (yes, people DID meet back then). And offering the lady 50 pound for a fuck but turning up and changing my mind. And later that year, visiting a busty escort only to decide losing my virginity this way wasn't for me (because, at its heart, its deeply unfair that any guy should have to pay for his first time).
I wish I could freeze time, I wish I could make it go slower, but this Winter night in November reminds me of every Winter that I've spent alone.
I miss you 2011, I miss you whatever your name was. The girl who I nearly lost my virginity to but I came too early (I didn't wanna burden you by telling you I'm a virgin, apparently women don't like to hear it).
And you were the last meeting I ever had. I had met so many before 2011 but afterwards it all changed. Internet dating moved on and away from the computer and on to the phone. I couldn't keep up. I was still stuck with Gumtree and Craigslist (then they removed Casuals and Erotic in each).
And the whole world became bleak and flat. And people (i.e. - women) discontinued meeting off chat rooms and personals.
I can't believe my last flesh-to-flesh was in 2011.
5 years ago, coming on to 6.
And the loneliness never leaves.
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FRI, 27 MAY 2016:
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Pictures of sexy women make me feel lonelier. Women I will never be able to touch. Busty, curvacious, cute. I wonder how it feels like to be in love. I guess I'll never know.
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TUES, 26 APR 2016:
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Wow its good over two years since I had this diary. A few half-hearted efforts of help from females. Words of sympathy from males. And some randy talk from those mistaking me for a female.
I'm thinking of ending this diary and moving it to Adultwork. Its taking up too much space here and it ain't fair to other people.
About escorts - even they are increasingly hard to find as I learnt these passed two days. Someone I befriended online agreed to pay an escort for me in return for a (non-sexual) favour. So I set about finding the right girl...
I never knew it would turn out to be so difficult. Escorts seem to be insanely busy nowadays, impossible to get hold of. I guess the more horny mass media makes men, the more escorts find they're getting busier.
I used to be able to have minutes and minutes of long text conversations with escorts going into minute detail about what I wanted from a meeting. Now it seems no-one even replies. I guess more and more horny men are chasing fewer (uninterested) women who'd rather be selling their dirty knickers than giving full services.
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THURS, 17 MAR 2016:
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So a bit of AN EXPERIMENT...
There is a SEXY GIRL with an ad up in 'Secrets & Confessions' who has so far gotten very few replies...
In other words, YOU GUYS HAVE A CHANCE TO TRY SOME REAL VIRGIN PUSSY but you'll have to get in before the rush of other guys !!! If you're lucky, she might even look like the girl the pic below (wink).
(I promise you, this is not some silly joke).
So, go back to the main 'Secrets & Confessions' page and look a few posts down where it says '20year Old Virgin London...'
THIS IS A FEMALE !!! I repeat, THIS IS A FEMALE !!!
Her ad is totally unrelated to mine but because the title is similar, most guys have blindly assumed its another guy and not bothered to check! Its absolutely bloody hilarious, men are such sheep !!!
However, now the secret's out, it does give me the opportunity to conduct a nice little experiment. As of 17.03.2016...
HER AD: 371 views (and 24 replies)
MY AD: 4391 views (and 18 replies)
Now lets see how many views/replies we each get within the next few weeks !!! (Gosh I really hope she thanks me for sending you randy bastards her way...!!!)
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SUN, 14 FEB 2016:
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Valentines Day 2016.
Another silent milestone.
24 Valentines gone.
In the blink of an eye.
That is true loneliness for you, right there!
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THU, 31 DEC 2015:
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Women will never change.
Women will always be boring, careful, unadventurous, unspontaneous, hesitant, shy.
Women were like this in the year 1015.
Women are like this in 2015.
Women will be like this in 3015.
Geographic location makes no damn difference - don't be fooled!
The much-touted "Independent Western Woman" is no different to the so-called "Oppressed Middle-Eastern or African Woman."
All women are the same no matter where they come from.
Women will never change.
Women will always, always be DEPENDABLY BORING AND PREDICTABLE.
I placed 10 ads in different places requesting A 30 MINUTE MEETING just so I could see in the New Year with a female - no sex involved. RESPONSE: NO FUCKING REPLY, NOT EVEN 1 POXY EMAIL.
At the same time, I cheekily placed the exact same ad in w4m requesting the EXACT SAME THING but the other way round: A guy to accompany me (a female) to the New Year's fireworks (no sex, no touching, no hugging, no kissing - just chatting). RESPONSE: IN 5 DAYS 1,457 GUYS BROKE MY DAMN INBOX BEFORE I DECIDED TO FINALLY PULL THE ADS !!!
JUST LOOK AT THE BLOODY DIFFERENCE !!!
So what did I learn from my little experiment? Do NOT EVER make the mistake of expecting anything unexpected from women, they will NEVER change and will always be the same !!!
Funny how women always complain men are unadventurous and unspontaneous when they are the EPITOME of caution themselves!
Even hookers, yes, damn hookers YOU ARE ACTUALLY PAYING won't be able to break free and do anything different. Most hookers only feel comfortable with the "PAY-OPEN LEGS-LEAVE" format (in other words... make the meeting as predictable, boring, dependable, unadventurous as possible).
There are 1000s of different types of guys with 1000s of different weird and wonderful fantasies. Some are sub, some are dom, some are both sub/dom, some like fat women, some like skinny women, some like big tits, some like small ones, some like black women, some like blonde ones, some like Asians, and on and on and on... you get the picture!
Women? Women are 2-dimensional SUB ROBOTS: ALWAYS WERE, FOREVER WILL BE. There is only one type of woman: shy, reserved, hesitant, careful. VERY, VERY CAREFUL.
Okay. Thanks! I really needed this! I feel better now. But its nothing most of you guys don't know already (whether secretly or openly). And I will always get fuming responses from women, but that's because the truth always hit a raw nerve.
RANT OVER!
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TUES, 8 SEP 2015:
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Its quite hilarious how many GUYS are replying to me THINKING I'M FEMALE and offering to help me out!!!
Oh dear, females won't reply even if someone slapped them with a dead fish, but blokes reply to almost anything, the desperate fuckers!!! (Though I know I can't talk)!!!
Here's reply from 'Dennis' (The Menace):
"Hi like your would love chat to you get to know as seem very nice sweetheart my phone number is *********** drop us a text or email us at ********** "
And another from 'Sunny':
"hi i really like your profile and i think we both have something in common i will be glad to meet you please...many thanks."
And another from 'Sundar':
"Hi,I am 31 year old male. Well educated. I am longing for a woman's warm hug. I don't have the guts to go to an escort out of fear of contracting STDs (condoms I heard are not always effective). So if you are free from any disease I am ready to lose my virginity to you. Most people will like me if they get to know me. If you are interested then we can exchange photos through mails."
Dear oh dear (facepalm)! The joys of being a single male trying to find a genuine meet off Personals!
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SUN, 23 AUGUST 2015:
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From time to time, I have found myself asking, how far should one go if the usual methods are not working?
Is blackmail unjustifiable? Is lying acceptable? (These are the questions I wanted to put to you a few months ago, but I never got round to doing).
My situation is hardly normal. I find all doors shut on me; females won't suddenly start queueing up to take a 41-year-old virginity. This diary has been up for more than a year. How many females have shown an interest in wanting to help, even though it would only take a few seconds of their time and they would never see me again? And think, if it was the other way round - a virgin female - how many men would have replied by now? The poor lady wouldn't have survived a day without her inbox crashing!
So, I ask you, in my situation, what is acceptable? How much longer should I quietly accept my depressing fate?
The past few months have brought the usual nonsense of replies. An 18-year-old off chat wanting to meet in a park, and a few others wanting me to arrange a gangbang. A perv wanting me to accompany him on his nights out grabbing women off the street! And some others I hardly remember.
The score is the same. A long chat followed by promises of calls and texts in the near future, none of which ever materialize.
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TUES, 18 AUGUST 2015:
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It is lonely being a virgin. Today I went through my old offline Skype contacts, sending random 'hi's' to each one.
These were contacts I added when MSN was still 'all the rage.' (Why the hell did they have to get rid of it?) Contacts I have not spoken to for so long, memories of conversations I had almost four, five years ago.
I yearn for contacts who I've never met, only chatted to, yet I still feel lonely, and I miss them. Who were these girls I never got the chance to see in the flesh? How has life treated them? Are they in relationships now? What experiences have they had?
They have forgotten about me, a mere footnote of an unconscious memory. I am left behind, but I hope these strangers have all managed to find some sort of fulfilment in their vast, exciting lives.
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TUES, 10 MARCH 2015:
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To those who follow this diary - apologies! I had updated on Tues 24th Feb but forgot to mention it in the 'title.' (Anyway, just more of the same. Endless chat rooms, personals, and spam).
To those who must be pissed off always seeing this at the top - apologies also! I hate it too. Hogging others' space is not my intention. If only there was a way I could add more entries without automatically bumping this up every time. Sadly, such an option isn't given :/
Anyway, I need to ask a serious question of those who read this diary, a rhetorical question. But I will do so next time.
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TUES, 24 FEBRUARY 2015:
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Do not expect anything wonderful from women. And you will be okay. A blade of grass cannot possess the same desire as as flower.
Do not expect your fantasies ever to be realized. And you will remain happy. You have one thousand different fantasies and desires. Forget them.
Do not expect anything you say to be heard. But realize that anything a woman does, even a shit, will have a crowd of eager onlookers, wanting to hold it. Your fantasies are less than a woman's shit.
And everyday I ignore it all, go from one chat room to the other hoping for a miracle. One post after the other. CL, Crazyoz, anything.
Just silence.
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WED, 31 DECEMBER 2014:
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Only 1,488 views for the whole year. And that is what it means to be a depressed 41 year old virgin.
Alone on New Year's Eve because no one is interested in a virgin male. How different it is for females! Women will never understand what true loneliness feels like. Yet is they who make the most fuss about it. How strange.
All I have ever asked for was one quick fuck. But females don't respond to pleas or politeness. Slap them about, do your thing, and be off, and put them on 'mute' the whole time. That works for most men. I must be doing something wrong.
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FRI, 14 NOVEMBER 2014:
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How do I express myself without killing you with sentimentality. Pain, grief, sadness. Words that just make me seem pathetic. But loneliness is a beautiful word.
Loneliness. Full of emotion, yet never over-dramatizing. Loneliness never lies. A beautiful word, almost equal to love. Though I wouldn't know what love is.
Thank you Zack, though I don't remember what you said now. It was kind. Better than conclusions females have drawn - on here, and on Craigslist - "See a hooker!" A typically lazy female conclusion in fact - uncaring, unsympathetic, and coarse!
Well here's an equally coarse reply, girls... "I'll go see a hooker if you pay for one!" Now suck on that!
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WED, 15 OCT 2014:
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Tonight, I revisited an old email account, a long-abandoned vault of emails - hundreds of them - I never had the energy to delete. Replies to Casual Encounters ads going back more than 5 years - Craigslist and Gumtree and a few from chat.
Of course it all came to nothing in the end - women asking for far too many pictures, or taking far too long, or changing their minds, or often, simply disappearing into thin air.
But one thing really struck me - how often and how regularly I seemed to be gotten replies in the past. Why is it different now? Has Craigslist become less popular? Have women just gone off online sex? (Guys certainly haven't!) Or do I no longer try hard enough?
I'm not sure. But tonight my loneliness returned. All those people who replied! All those years that have passed between us! Where have they disappeared? How have their lives been? Who were they? I was just a fleeting and insignificant conversation in the vastness of their lives, but here I am still, the same as the day I spoke to them - the virgin, the lonely, the lost.
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SAT, 06 SEP 2014:
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Dear Robert, thank you for your kind and sympathetic words. And thank you for your offer of support. But the knowledge that good people like you read this diary is my greatest inspiration.
Mandy. What difference does it make if I tell everyone or not what you said in your reply to me? I didn't demean you, your reply seemed a little confused that's all. But you are right, I may never get laid. If all women are under the impresssion that even virgins will end up 'fucking them senseless!'
I wouldn't be able to do that, nor would have any interest in 'talking the talk' to get you to strip. And I don't want to guess the colour of your panties. You're not the type of person I'm looking for. You are too engrossed in your own fantasies to even understand where I'm coming from.
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THU, 04 SEP 2014:
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When reading this, I hope you don't think '...Oh its that diary again.' It must be the only diary where nothing ever happens. But I don't want lie in order to make it interesting. Then its no longer real life.
And I'm sorry if it ends up hogging 'Secrets & Confessions.' Writing a new entry bumps up my ad, and I have no control over that.
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MON, 01 SEP 2014:
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Dear Mandy. Your second reply has left me even more confused than the first.
After all that suspense, your 'unusual sexual fetish' turns out to be having a guy look up your skirt to guess the colour of your panties? And guessing whether you're wearing stockings or tights?
And that's it?!
You later add that you have an 'unusual exhibitionist fantasy' which involves... err... sucking a guy's cock?!
To top it off you want me (the virgin, THE VIRGIN!!!) to 'fuck you senseless?' (Yes, alright...)
After nearly a decade of pretenders, fantasists, no-shows, e-mail tennis players, homosexuals-in-disguse, do you really think I can't work out where a conversation is heading (and where it isn't)?
And I don't see this going anywhere. But thank you for trying.
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SAT, 23 AUG 2014:
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Dear Mandy. Thank you for your reply. It cheered me up; your offer something to fall back on I guess. (Although I've lost count of how many times I've said this exact same sentence in the past decade).
Girls promise a lot. Then disappear. Or the conversation peters out, until, they no longer reply. That's if I get any replies in the first place.
I know many guys are in the same position. But being a 40 year old virgin, its much worse. Time moves forward, but you're stuck in an endless loop of hope and disappointment.
So I will take you up on the offer. I am curious to know what this 'unusual sexual fetish' of yours is. And I will reply when I find time.
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SAT, 23 AUG 2014:
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Sometimes, I will be overtaken by a strange kind of loneliness, a loneliness like a weeping wind whose clouds carry the memory of girls who I may have known before.
And in my dreams this loneliness will come to life, and show me a window into a world which I will never know. Love, ectasy, exhiliration. Strange and mysterious images of Love that only the closest of Lovers ever get to touch.
And when the clouds of lust part, my heart longs to find my soulmate. Somewhere out there, and in my dreams. And I wake up feeling lonelier than ever.
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SAT, 16 AUG 2014:
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Porn addict Luke Gibbons goes to porn rehab. 'I went to porn rehab...' At 29, recovering pornography addict Luke Gibbons is still a virgin who has never had a girlfriend... now he warns others...'
Its stories like this that make me mad. A guy blaming himself for (an apparent) "porn addiction." He doesn' t need rehab. He just needs a bloody slapper to open her legs for a few seconds and take his virginity! Its not rocket science!
But, hey, "I have the pussy so I make the rules."
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THU, 7 AUG 2014:
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Things usually always follow the same pattern - fantasy, excitement, expectation, disappointment. Then, bored of it all, I'll forget everything. Till the next time.
Agreed, classifieds and chat sites are a total waste of time. Women will always be women. Nothing will change that. The internet will not turn tentative, shy females into man-eating sluts who'll knock on your door the very next instant.
Let's face it, most women are not sluts. No matter how much they like to imagine, no matter how much men like to wish. Most women feel more at home with a cup of tea and their cat.
Sluts may exist. But its not the norm as many guys convince themselves into believing. My favourite (men's line) being 'women want it too, but they never show it.' A mass of women, heaving with desire, under their knitting needles. Lol.
Women pissed out of their heads, collapsed on the street corner, legs open, pool of vomit. These are not sluts. Just very, very drunk women who ordinarily would be... at home having a cup of tea next to their cat. Lol.
And we constantly work ourselves up into some wild fantasy with lusty, freaky women about to pounce on our every post. And no one replies, so we make up the excuses ourselves. 'Too many flaggers' 'Too many ads' 'My ad must be crap' 'My pictures are bad.'
I know the score... until the next time, that is. When once again, I will get whipped up into (yet another) frenzy and try to turn (yet another) Craigslist fantasy into reality, imagining a sea of ever-eager women while I am writing the words.
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THU, 31 JULY 2014:
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Dear Men,
Do not expect anything unexpected from a woman. Do not expect them to surprise, to push boundaries, to excite. A flash of a breast. A grope of your bum. These things don't happen. Not really. Do not expect them to understand your fantasies, let alone breath life into them. And each one of you must have thousands of fantasies.
Women are just women. Often boring, mostly shy, and very very predictable. By now you must understand that there are only a handful of ways to watch paint dry.
Thank you Rob and Alex Brown for your kind words (I hope you don't me mentioning your full name, I realize you're quite famous on these forums). How funny that the supportive emails have all been from guys. The sole female responder suggesting I pay a hooker.
So there you go... predictable as ever! (Lol).
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MON, 7 JUL 2014:
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Sometimes, in my dreams, will come to me what I can never have. Love. Beauty. Longing. Strange dreams, no-one else but me. And my beloved.
A darkened room and a porcelain bath within it. And a familiar stranger smiling at me. Naked. Skin so white and soft. Like a graceful French mistress in the dead of night. Her supple breasts half hidden in the water. Secret and quiet. Full of wonder. And she beckons, and I come. And she wants me with her. Her white flesh glistening in the bubbles. This is love.
At others times, even stranger dreams. A murderess, smiling but strangely beautiful. Face smeared in blood. What murder has she committed? I do not know. Her light blue eyes glow at me lovingly. I am yours, they seem to say. And I accept. Strangely oblivious to the horror she has apparently carried out.
Strange dreams, full of wonder, and of feelings I will never know, or will know only for a fleeting moment in an unreal world. And like the wind these beauties disappear, leaving me wondering who they were, who they are, and whether the likeness of them may exist in this waking world.
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MON, 23 JUN 2014:
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Dear Karina. 'Just hire an escort,' you replied. 'Problem solved.' If only it was so simple. Darling.
I see myself at a steamy, warm pool. In steps a busty blonde, in a tight bikini. She smiles at me. She comes over to me and starts talking. She strokes my hair and gives me a peck. She knows I want it... but she swims away nonetheless... 'I will be in the cubicle at the end if you feel...'
I see myself walking down a deserted road at night. Under a bridge, hidden in the corner, a busty blonde in a short skirt, long shiny legs. She starts walking alongside me. 'So where are you going?' But I'm in no mood to talk. Still, she carries on. 'Yeah, this is such a nice place...' She walks a few yards, then has to turn around. 'I am always under the bridge. No-one ever comes this way. You know where to find me...'
And escorts?
'£100 for 1 hour - Payment up front - You can't do this - You can't do that - No talking on the phone - Not even for 30 seconds - What will I say? - Whatever you want! - What will we do? - Whatever you want! - What will I wear? - Whatever you want! - I will just lie here - Come and do what you have to - And leave - That's all - What else is there to know? - Just hurry up - Come at 4pm - No need to talk'
Err... no thanks!
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MON, 12 MAY 2014:
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Jo. I met you on a chat room. We chatted for nearly an hour. We had so much in common. And you were older than me. You said I was a stud for getting close lol. Hardly! I'm in the same place as you. Just cos you're an older virgin, I don't think I'm better than you. That would make me like 'the (supposed) gentler sex.' I don't want to think like them.
I'm always searching for you, but you're no longer around. Will you become just a memory of a random chat I once had?
I nearly told you about this diary. But you had to go. It would be a crazy coincidence if you ever get to read this. But I don't think it will happen. Not many people read my diary anyway. Sometimes I just think about giving up.
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MON, 28 APR 2014:
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Everything is a massive disappointment. How difficult is it for a female to open her legs for a few seconds? A normal white female, that's all I've ever asked for. But you're just cold, heartless, bastards aren't you girls?
My life is a dead end. How long will I go on searching? How long will I have keep posting?
And why have only 255 people viewed me? You can bet your last dollar if it was a woman typing these words the number would've gone past 1,000s and the 'replies' counter already stuck at '40'. But, honestly, I am grateful for every single person taking the time to view my ad. It means a big deal to me. Thank you.
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THURS, 27 MARCH 2014:
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I give up! 15 years of searching on the Internet for a fuck and it always draws a blank!
How fucking pathetic females are! All cut out in the same pattern - shy, hesitant, unadventurous, safe, quiet! Post after post - and no reply! Chat after fucking chat - and I get nowhere!
Why do they always need fucking vodka down their gobs to open their legs? Shy fucking whores!
I am sorry to offend girls, but I am angry, I am fuming, what do you do when you can't find a fuck for 15 years? I have spent a third of my fucking life on chat rooms and classifieds.
Black girls are different. I like black girls. They know how to dance, how to move, how to tease, how to approach. They are not like the shy fuckers of the paler variety. Black girls are good in bed.
But I am not attracted to black girls. And I'm not attracted to Asian girls. I'm not attracted to Southern European females. Or Latinas.
All I want is a regular white English female, even an average-looking one. But they are the shyest of the lot!
I am sorry for causing offence to anyone. But I don't deserve this. I never get lucky. I have nothing to smile about. Every day is just as fucking bleak as the last.
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TUES, 11 MARCH 2014:
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So I've changed the name of this diary to reflect how I really feel. It can be so frustrating at times. Sex is everywhere - women with tits out, flashing their white legs, flashing their butts...
But why did life have to treat me this way?
Why am I still a virgin at 40?
Why do the vast majority of women revert to their submissive 'what will you do to me?' stereotype when the subject becomes sex?
I wish this world was different. I wish us men could walk down the street, get the odd grope, the odd catcall, the odd chat-up, a world where females sprung surprises on us, nasty, exhilarating surprises. How strange and surreal such a world would be. Where women would push their numbers into our trouser pockets, rub their breasts on us in packed trains, even drag is into dark alleyways to fuck us.
And online, the same. Each ad flooded with 5 or 6 genuine replies, new replies each day. Women horny and willing and interested in each unique fantasy you put out.
But I am asking for too much because women will always remain women. No technology and no gadget will change that. Our fantasies are destined to remain forever posted on personals sites, a kaleidoscope of male fantasies each one different from the other, lost on the minds of careful, predictable, safe, unimaginative, hesitant, shy, mundane females. This is the greatest tragedy. The sexual revolution never really happened.
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SAT, 8 MARCH 2014:
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My life is just boring and disappointing. I have nothing to look forward to. Every day I hope for some kind of miracle, just for a regular white female to appear out of somewhere and spice things up a bit. But its just a dream really.
I wish women were different. Not the shy, reactive, unadventurous, boring, safe, limited, predictable, hesitant, careful things that they are.
I wish, once in a while, they would throw up a surprise - follow through with an email conversation rather than going cold after a few emails, smack my bum on the Underground, flash at me, wink at me.
But nothing. Women are as interesting as a turnip, and as original as an umbrella. (Bad comparisons, but you get the message I hope. Well, the male readers anyway).
If females were as red-blooded, and as mad, and as original as us males are, this world would be such an interesting and strange place. Every new day would bring unexpected encounters, encounters that even us males could not dream up.
But we will keep posting our hundred thousand fantasies, and keep hoping, and the females will always spoil it by saying '...So when will you tie me up?'
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TUES, 18 FEBRUARY 2014:
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Craigslist is a real libido-killer. You take your time to write a good post, to make it descriptive, readable. And your fantasies slowly start to take over. And you begin wondering how many crazy people will reply this time. Maybe one, maybe two if you're really lucky. And you can't wait to check your emails after a few hours.
Your inbox has a new message and you hold your breath...
...Oh, hang on. Its only Craigslist letting you know you've been flagged (yet again). I'm so bored with all this at the moment, with Craigslist, with the chatrooms. I'm also quite bored with how unadventurous most females actually are. (But more of the latter some other time).
Anyway - I've added a pic. Okay, not a very imaginative choice. But its better than having an empty space. Lol.
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SAT, 15 FEBRUARY 2014:
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Sometimes, you give up hope. I'm at that stage once again. It is hard to describe to you how frustrating life can be. Constantly chasing the next fix, chatrooms and personals become an unhealthy addiction.
The 'leads' from chat, the replies from personals, never get anywhere. False hope. But even false hope is better than nothing.
All I just want is a fucking chance! I can handle getting no replies, I can handle getting spam, but ffs! At least let people read what I have to say! I'm sick of being flagged off Craigslist, even when my ads don't break any friggin rules. I spend hours obsessing over a post, but that makes no difference. It still gets flagged off after a few hours! I don't know where to turn to anymore. I just wish there was some magical place where my deepest fantasies would come true.
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THURS, 13 FEBRUARY 2014:
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So tomorrow is Valentines Day. Great! My 40th Valentines Day as a virgin!
Anyway, I managed to speak to a lady off chat - 'big white tits' (Imagine my excitement)! She wanted to meet the next day (a little too spontaneous for a female)!
She sounded a little bit 'black' for a white Essex lady. But I thought nothing of it. Put it down to her accent. So we texted and she quickly wanted a pic (which I didn't send). Unsure, I called it off the next day. I forgot about it, even though I couldn't stop thinking of her big white tits and my first fuck (though I never mentioned I was a virgin - I never do).
Midweek I texted again. Surprisingly, she didn't mind, so we agreed to meet Valentines Day. I wanted to oil her big white tits, oil her legs and body, and shoot my virgin load up her fanny. (I'd probably only last 5 seconds). I sent her pics (but not of myself). She sent me hers - a busty Pamela Anderson lookalike, in her mid-40s. Not bad!
Her photo was fake and I told her so. She got annoyed. But I didn't wanna lose this opportunity, so I started discussing the oily massage and her tits. Then, out of the blue, a text 'I have a friend, she's a shemale...'
At the same time, I was texting someone else. An Indian guy who wants a threesome. Me, him, and... his sister. Yes, his sister.
So there you go, this is my life! Trawling chatrooms and not knowing who I'll get or what I'll get. When all I just want is to snog a female with a simple shag at the end.
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SAT, 25 JANUARY 2014:
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Friday night/Saturday morning. While lots of people must be getting it on, here I am alone. I ask the same questions night after night...
What does grabbing a woman's breasts feel like? What does squeezing a woman's butt feel like? What does grabbing a woman's breasts from behind, and juggling them up and down feel like?
Basic questions, silly questions, my mind fantasizes over night after night. Like an adolescent teen. Only difference is, I will probably never get to know the answers.
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THU, 9 JANUARY 2014:
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Life is a stream of constant disappointments. No surprises. Its always the same. Constantly scraping the barrel. No replies. No opportunities. Women are always the same. Nothing original. Being a virgin is difficult. Especially at 40. It gets harder and harder.
(Dear readers, I may not post here for weeks on end, unless anything new happens. But to provide some background, to explain how I ended up here, I will make a longer separate post. When this is done, I will let you know on here).
(Other posters - I apologize if updating this keeps it on the top. This is not my intention - it happens automatically, as you probably know). ** Thanks - (Andy)**
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THU, 2 JANUARY 2014:
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Wow, 6 views already only after one day :) Thank you! This is just the beginning though. I hope not to disappoint, nor will I make stuff up. What's the point of you reading a diary if its all fake?
So, 2nd of January. What's the plan? Yes, another day of trawling chat-rooms and classifieds, and hoping, and failing, and going to bed. This is my life.
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WED, 1 JANUARY 2014:
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I confess. I am a 40 year old virgin male. It's January 1st 2014. And it makes me wonder. Is this the year? If you ask me right now, on a cold dreary 1st of January, I would say, "Probably not." To be continued...
(I hope to make this into a genuine Secrets & Confessions 'diary' which will be updated from time to time as the year progresses. Not every single day, but any that stands out from the rest. To keep CrazyOz tidy, I will not repeat post but simply keep updating here). - ** Thanks for reading - (Andy)**
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